for he's a jolly good fellow
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narrative
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gift
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texts
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gift
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"Are you sure you don't want help?" she asks in a tone that, while not unfriendly, clearly screams I Know You've Never Cooked A Real Meal In Your Life, Scott Tyler Whitcombe. "I've got this. I've been watching that epicurious channel on youtube." "And I've got the chocolate chips," Charlotte proclaims, giddily downing a handful of them straight from the bowl, despite Hazel's halfhearted protest that she's going to spoil her appetite. "Here Mommy, for you, catch." Hazel opens her mouth to catch the flying chocolate, which goes sailing about three feet past her head. "It okay, you tried," Charlotte says graciously. It's a phrase she will repeat after Scott causes a small kitchen fire, which he quickly douses with the extinguisher under the sink, leaving nothing harmed except for his pride and the breakfast he was attempting to make. He can't get mad because there's a five year old watching his every move, but he hates these moments when he realizes what a slouch he is at perfectly everyday tasks. Cooking. Laundry. Maintaining functional human relationships. They all make sense in theory, but actually doing them is somehow a different story. Hazel silently springs into action with a catlike deftness and for a moment Scott is simultaneously entranced and jealous of how quickly she's able to clean a mess and make it appear like it was never there. She's back in her chair within minutes, a kettle of water for tea boiling away on the stove. "He's not going to care that you burned breakfast," she says, not looking up from her book. "He'll be all dumb and goofy over you even trying." Scott slips into James' room with a tray of tea and a lightly (very lightly; Scott is not sure he trusts heat cooking anymore) toasted english muffin. Following close behind is Charlotte, who giddily jumps on the bed, scattering chocolate chips from the bowl she had so carefully been holding everywhere. James, to his credit, at least pretends he had been asleep, allowing his daughter to stir him awake by popping the rogue chocolates into his mouth. "Wake up, Daddy," she says, attempting to pour an entire tiny handful in - a move that finally makes him stir enough to stop her. He smiles and kisses her forehead. "What's all this?" "We tried to make breakfast but then there was a fire but Mommy says you are," she lowers her voice to a hushed giggle of a whisper, "dumb and goofy so it's okay." She pats his face with one hand, the other still steadily shoveling chocolate chips into her mouth. "Huppy burfday." Scott opens his mouth to explain, but stops before words come out, deciding Charlotte's summary is adequate. "An effort was made," he lamely amends instead with a goofy grin. He places the tray down onto James' lap. "An effort was made," James repeats, meeting his eyes. A small smile plays across his lips as he pats the space on the bed next to him, which Scott willingly occupies, leaning in for a kiss. "Happy birthday. This is only the first part." "Does it end with you burning my apartment to the ground?" James murmurs against his mouth. "You know me, I go big." |
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"I can do that." Hazel is a good boss. She pays Manny more than he's worth, and the job is, frankly, a dream. Charlotte's a dream, sunny and fun, and he gets paid the same even on the days she spends mostly at preschool. He tries to make himself useful in the meantime, doing laundry, cleaning dishes, straightening things up around the house. Sometimes Hazel will send him on errands. Sometimes Hazel will attempt to send him on errands. This is where things get more complicated. "No wait, something energizing, not something that makes you want to go to sleep. Like, citrus? But maybe something that makes you want to sleep, too, he never sleeps, the idiot needs to get some sleep. Do they make teas that are laced with sedatives, do you think?" "I can find out--" "Or is that too close to peyote territory? I don't want him to start seeing... fucking, heffalumps and woozles in the middle of his living room, I want him to take a goddamn nap." "I'll do some research and then I'll--" "And he already has so many damn teas that I'm afraid I'm going to get him one he already has, or one he doesn't have on purpose, but you can't ask him because then he'll be like well why are you asking me and you say i'm trying to get you a gift you bozo and he's like well you don't have to do that, he's such a pain in the ass sometimes? And then you said well I want to and then he says mm and just... I need a tea that keeps a guy from acting like the goddamn Batman." "I will find you a tea that keeps him from acting like the goddamn Batman," Manny says, fully aware that Hazel is by no means still listening to him at all. "No, you know what, I'm just going to do it myself." Hazel is a good boss. Hazel is not a good delegator. Hazel thinks no one can do things like Hazel can do things. She might not be wrong. "Wait, actually. Go over to his place and tell him you need a picture of his tea cabinet. If he asks why, ask him what Sondheim's greatest work is, that'll distract him." Sometimes Manny thinks maybe he is paid fairly after all. |
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Group Chat: Persephone Maeve, Kevin Toomby, Alicia Strong
is it weird to send flowers to your boss' baby daddy?
technically he is also my boss
Manny Dyer, 12:19 pm
oh baby no
Persephone Maeve, 12:19 pm
👀
Yes, Manny, it is weird.
Kevin Toomby, 12:19 pm
for his birthday!!! not just being weird!
Manny Dyer, 12:19 pm
manny please tell me you didn't
Alicia Strong, 12:19 pm
oh god
Manny Dyer, 12:20 pm
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A good present is not finding Scott, and he's been looking for over a month now. January birthdays aren't fair. They barely give the gift-giver time to recover from Christmas (and Hanukkah, and Hanukkah requires eight fucking gifts no matter what James and Sally insist. Scott is not fucking around with holidays that are not his own. Somewhere, Susan is watching him, and he's gonna do it right.) Everyone should be required to be born between April and August. "You could get him a watch," Laura suggests, ignoring Scott's groan because she is a better mother than he deserves. "Have it engraved with something sweet." "'Enjoy your cliche Dad gift, I love you.'" "Scott, I can lead you to water, but I can't make you drink." "Are you calling me a horse?" "You don't want to know what farm animal I am calling you." Scott makes a list of things James likes. Theatre. Charlotte. Tea. Music. Well, some music. Only some theatre too, for that matter. Probably only some tea. Comics. He still likes comics, right? That's thin ice, though. Tap dance. Long, boring books. Winning. Uh, Latin? Speaking in languages Scott doesn't understand. Scott. James likes Scott. James likes Scott! Scott fumbles for his phone. "Hey, Manny? It's Scott. You like... know things about photography, right? Can I ask you for a favor? A paid favor. A payvor." Ha! Scott's spur of the moment purchases are not always good, but they always mean well. |
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When Mommy takes Charlotte to a Grown-Up Store to pick a Grown-Up Present, she is a little less excited because grown-up stores are not as much fun and they never have a carousel or anything for her to play with, but Mommy says it will only take a minute, and if she is good and patient, they will go to a Charlotte store and she can get a present for herself, too! Charlotte looks for things that are red because red is Daddy's favorite color, and she knows he will love these red shorts and this red shirt and this red hat, and if he wears them all at the same time he will match all the way! Charlotte likes to wear lots of different colors, but that is because her favorite color is rainbow. Her favorite pattern is polka dots and her favorite pony is Pinkie Pie and her favorite superhero is Starfire and her favorite Bubble Guppy is Molly! Daddy's favorite Bubble Guppy is Mr. Grumpfish, which Charlotte thinks is very silly. Charlotte can't find any red shoes, but Mommy helps her find some red socks. This is okay, Daddy will just not wear shoes. Mommy shows her some brown shoes and asks if she likes them, and Charlotte laughs and laughs because who wants shoes that are the same color as dirt? Mommy says other nice things are brown too, like puppies and ponies, but Charlotte reminds her that the best pony is pink. She'd get a pink puppy too, if she could. "We did a good job," Charlotte tells Mommy after their purchases are gift wrapped and bagged. "Can I get Daddy a toy at the toy store too?" "We'll see," says Mommy (that means yes). "Hey, I had another idea too... do you want to help me with a surprise?" Charlotte LOVES surprises! |
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I do not mind the small human. She belongs to James, so being civil is appropriate. I do not care for the very large human. It is unclear who he belongs to or why he finds it appropriate to be around so often. I hide on top of the refrigerator. The very large human lumbers in. He is looking for someone. He is, I must take into consideration, perhaps looking for me. I cannot live in fear. I will protect my territory if the situation requires it. "You cannot put party hats on the cats, Scott!" Hazel's voice echoes down the hall. This is good. Hazel will protect us from the buffoon. Hazel brings us offerings of treats and toys, and has learned to pet the good spots we cannot reach ourselves. Hazel may stay. I have been spotted. "The cats like the hats," the very large human hollers back at an unbearably high volume. He approaches. Where is James? Where is Hazel? Why am I not being adequately protected? What the fuck is a hat? Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!!! |
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I do not mind the small human. I do not care for the very large human. I hide on top of the refrigerator. The very large human lumbers in. He is looking for someone. He is probably looking for me. I cannot live in fear. I will protect my territory if I must. "You cannot put party hats on the cats, Scott!" Hazel's voice echoes down the hall. This is good. Hazel will protect us from the buffoon. Hazel brings us offerings of treats and toys, and has learned to pet the good spots we cannot reach ourselves. Hazel may stay. "The cats like the hats," the very large human hollers back at an unbearably high volume. What the fuck is a hat? Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!!! |
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"Another present? But you've already gotten me so much." James accepted the fact that he is going to have to go out in public in a red leopard print shirt, red pants, and parrot socks almost immediately. He would do anything for this kid. But Jesus, if Hazel let her get away with this much, who knows what's next? "Second present!" Charlotte repeats, giggling, disappearing behind the couch and reemerging with a large, thin package, which she hands him to unwrap. She snatches it back the moment he finishes unwrapping it. "Secret." "Oh, a secret present." "I have to show you." "She insisted on wrapping it. 'Presents are wrapped'," Hazel singsongs. Charlotte nods solemly. She is Very Very Smart and sometimes she has to explain things to Mommy. It okay. "Okay Mommy, play song." "She wanted this part too," Hazel says, turning on the speakers regardless. The Temptations "My Girl" plays. Charlotte struggles again with the posterboard she's holding, but successfully holds it up without assistance. "I don't know what it means, but I think it is good," Charlotte giggles. |
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"You didn't have to get me anything." "I know. You may end up wishing I hadn't." James carefully unwraps the package and sets the paper aside. Ginger immediately pounces on the discarded shiny ribbon, hissing pointedly at Scott before taking off with it. "I should not have tried to put a hat on her." "Yeah, that was really stupid of you." James leafs through the pages of his gift. "This is... a book of photos. Of you." "Yes. And uh, like. Places that are important to both of us? That's the restaurant that we went to that one time. Airport the first time we went to Minnesota, I took that one." "Mm. Is that big tree you're getting friendly with important to both of us? It looks like it must be important." "You hate it." "I don't hate it." James flips a page. "Ah. So these get a little..." "Yeah, like, progressively, as it goes on." "You got me a book of boudoir photography for my birthday." "Is it still called boudoir photography if it's like. Manly?" "Yes." "It should be noted that I also tried to make you breakfast, but we know how that turned out." "Mm. Oh. There's your penis." "If your mom asks what I got you, please just tell her I got you a watch." |
MESSAGE FROM: MARA CAUGHLEY
Scott.
Why did a lifesize photo of you shirtless, groping a tree, just show up at my doorstep.
Mara Caughley, 3:59 pm
you don't have to thank me 😘
Scott Whitcombe, 4:00 pm